baby, you're a rich man
May. 14th, 2011 11:58 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
Likability. I should have known that everything would come down to that. Years have passed since I last even set foot in Kirkland House, since those days when I shuffled from class to class as that nameless nobody who managed to ace CS problem sets or even gave a crap about getting punched by the Phoenix or the Porcellian— with the money I've made from facebook, I could literally buy Mount Auburn St., I could probably take a crack at University Hall, I could double even the billions of dollars of endowment that Harvard has in its vaults, and people know it. Scratch being the next Bill Gates, now everyone's projecting that I'll make Man of the Year all on my own, no need for help from a trophy wife or a washed up musician. And yet, when it comes down to it, it's still one big popularity contest, and I've got black marks on my record. Like publicly shaming Erica Albright over the internet. Or like comparing people's school facebook pictures to...
"Farm animals," Mark said, his voice tense with resignation, fingers tapping on the side of his laptop.
The deposition room was empty at last, save for Marylin, and why she lingered, Mark didn't really know. It was the first time that he hadn't minded someone bringing him bad news since leaving Harvard. By the time facebook's momentum had started building, most people neglected to let Mark know the full extent that his actions would have on others, preferring to linger at the safety of their desk rather than piss the CEO off. At first, it had been novel. The rewards reaped from a long, tireless effort on the biggest project of his life, perhaps even of his generation. After a while, though, the shine wore off. People seemed disingenuous, kind only for their own benefit, vultures just waiting to descend at first opportunity. As much as he'd come to agree, in his own way, with Eduardo's assessment of Sean Parker as being paranoid, blinded by his own fifteen minutes of fame and the strobe lights of the party he demanded that his life be, sometimes Mark could still understand.
His eyes carefully followed Marylin's slight nod. "Yeah," she agreed.
At least she was honest. Mark rolled his eyes, shook his head, memories from years ago all dredged up in the past couple of months to the forefront of his mind. Some details had faded away with time, some conversations feeling unnatural out of context, but at the bottom of it all, Mark knew. Had always been self-aware. It just hadn't mattered much, what other people thought of him, provided those few steady constants remained in his life. With the barest of exhales, his fingers trailed along the edge of his laptop. "I was drunk, and angry, and stupid," he admitted, not sure if the disdain in his voice was self-directed, or at the inability of others to let such a minor detail go. Maybe both.
"And blogging," Marylin added, shaking Mark out of his reverie.
His expression darkened. Right. The internet's not written in pencil, Mark, it's written in ink.
"And... blogging," he agreed, his eyes traveling along the ceiling of the room, deliberately avoiding Marylin's gaze. It wasn't really the money he was concerned about, it was the pure principle of the matter. One stupid night. One stupid night, leading to one of the most revolutionary networking sites that the world had seen to date, yet a stupid crack about a girl's bra size and putting into practice what guys did on a daily basis on the internet (who didn't compare the hotness of women, it was practically a man's rite of passage) threw all of that into its shadow.
"Pay them," Marylin suggested, her gaze even, expression frank as she arched a brow. "In the scheme of things, it's a speeding ticket. That's what Sy will tell you tomorrow."
As she shifted to stand, Mark glanced over, fingers playing with his laptop, ready to open it again. "Do you think anybody would mind if I stayed and used the computer for a minute?" he asked, thoughts still swirling.
"I can't imagine it would be a problem," she replied lightly, heels clicking on the floor as she readied to leave.
"Thanks," he said, eyes darting from her to his laptop a few times, before he opened it again; her quick exit probably meant that she had better things to do than linger over a case that was, in spite of being connected to facebook, probably an easy close for the firm. The time she'd taken to outline everything for him, that was her own, not part of the job description, and it softened him just a touch. "I... appreciate your help today."
"You're not an asshole, Mark," Marylin remarked, the tapping of her heels coming to a halt. His brow furrowed as he turned, not expecting the statement, or indeed anything other than hearing the swish of the door as she left. The look on her face seemed sympathetic, inexplicably, and Mark wasn't sure what to do about that. Wasn't sure what to say to it, and so only stared as she spoke up again. "You're just trying so hard to be."
The glass doors and walls made it easy to watch Marylin's progress as she left, but soon enough Mark turned back to his computer, gaze distant. He liked that aspect of the room. Wondered if it was a deliberate design, or at least a marked choice on the part of the person who had booked the room for the deposition, putting it somewhere people couldn't hide. Where even outsiders would be able to read every last expression. Revealing. But as he'd never had anything to mask in the first place, it didn't bother Mark any more than the open desks at facebook's headquarters ever had. Hearing every last keystroke echo in the room, he curiously opened facebook up, typing in a single name: Erica Albright.
Huh. Apparently she had an account.
He clicked on the friend request button, not sure if it was a morbid curiosity that drove him there or an actual desire to reconnect. Knowing himself, probably more the former. Regardless, it only took a few seconds before he confirmed the request, crossing his arms and leaning back in his chair, expression the very picture of levity, even as his finger reached over to press the F5 key. Twice. Thrice.
She said he could use the room, after all.
It was only when Mark looked up properly, prying his eyes away from the screen, pausing before hitting the refresh key again, that he realized something had changed. No longer seated in a newly purchased Herman Miller chair, no longer surrounded by panes of glass, Mark's eyes met slightly yellowed walls and his hands ran over the grain of an old, worn wooden chair. Shortly thereafter, his eyes flew to the corner of his computer screen.
No wireless signal.
"Farm animals," Mark said, his voice tense with resignation, fingers tapping on the side of his laptop.
The deposition room was empty at last, save for Marylin, and why she lingered, Mark didn't really know. It was the first time that he hadn't minded someone bringing him bad news since leaving Harvard. By the time facebook's momentum had started building, most people neglected to let Mark know the full extent that his actions would have on others, preferring to linger at the safety of their desk rather than piss the CEO off. At first, it had been novel. The rewards reaped from a long, tireless effort on the biggest project of his life, perhaps even of his generation. After a while, though, the shine wore off. People seemed disingenuous, kind only for their own benefit, vultures just waiting to descend at first opportunity. As much as he'd come to agree, in his own way, with Eduardo's assessment of Sean Parker as being paranoid, blinded by his own fifteen minutes of fame and the strobe lights of the party he demanded that his life be, sometimes Mark could still understand.
His eyes carefully followed Marylin's slight nod. "Yeah," she agreed.
At least she was honest. Mark rolled his eyes, shook his head, memories from years ago all dredged up in the past couple of months to the forefront of his mind. Some details had faded away with time, some conversations feeling unnatural out of context, but at the bottom of it all, Mark knew. Had always been self-aware. It just hadn't mattered much, what other people thought of him, provided those few steady constants remained in his life. With the barest of exhales, his fingers trailed along the edge of his laptop. "I was drunk, and angry, and stupid," he admitted, not sure if the disdain in his voice was self-directed, or at the inability of others to let such a minor detail go. Maybe both.
"And blogging," Marylin added, shaking Mark out of his reverie.
His expression darkened. Right. The internet's not written in pencil, Mark, it's written in ink.
"And... blogging," he agreed, his eyes traveling along the ceiling of the room, deliberately avoiding Marylin's gaze. It wasn't really the money he was concerned about, it was the pure principle of the matter. One stupid night. One stupid night, leading to one of the most revolutionary networking sites that the world had seen to date, yet a stupid crack about a girl's bra size and putting into practice what guys did on a daily basis on the internet (who didn't compare the hotness of women, it was practically a man's rite of passage) threw all of that into its shadow.
"Pay them," Marylin suggested, her gaze even, expression frank as she arched a brow. "In the scheme of things, it's a speeding ticket. That's what Sy will tell you tomorrow."
As she shifted to stand, Mark glanced over, fingers playing with his laptop, ready to open it again. "Do you think anybody would mind if I stayed and used the computer for a minute?" he asked, thoughts still swirling.
"I can't imagine it would be a problem," she replied lightly, heels clicking on the floor as she readied to leave.
"Thanks," he said, eyes darting from her to his laptop a few times, before he opened it again; her quick exit probably meant that she had better things to do than linger over a case that was, in spite of being connected to facebook, probably an easy close for the firm. The time she'd taken to outline everything for him, that was her own, not part of the job description, and it softened him just a touch. "I... appreciate your help today."
"You're not an asshole, Mark," Marylin remarked, the tapping of her heels coming to a halt. His brow furrowed as he turned, not expecting the statement, or indeed anything other than hearing the swish of the door as she left. The look on her face seemed sympathetic, inexplicably, and Mark wasn't sure what to do about that. Wasn't sure what to say to it, and so only stared as she spoke up again. "You're just trying so hard to be."
The glass doors and walls made it easy to watch Marylin's progress as she left, but soon enough Mark turned back to his computer, gaze distant. He liked that aspect of the room. Wondered if it was a deliberate design, or at least a marked choice on the part of the person who had booked the room for the deposition, putting it somewhere people couldn't hide. Where even outsiders would be able to read every last expression. Revealing. But as he'd never had anything to mask in the first place, it didn't bother Mark any more than the open desks at facebook's headquarters ever had. Hearing every last keystroke echo in the room, he curiously opened facebook up, typing in a single name: Erica Albright.
Huh. Apparently she had an account.
He clicked on the friend request button, not sure if it was a morbid curiosity that drove him there or an actual desire to reconnect. Knowing himself, probably more the former. Regardless, it only took a few seconds before he confirmed the request, crossing his arms and leaning back in his chair, expression the very picture of levity, even as his finger reached over to press the F5 key. Twice. Thrice.
She said he could use the room, after all.
It was only when Mark looked up properly, prying his eyes away from the screen, pausing before hitting the refresh key again, that he realized something had changed. No longer seated in a newly purchased Herman Miller chair, no longer surrounded by panes of glass, Mark's eyes met slightly yellowed walls and his hands ran over the grain of an old, worn wooden chair. Shortly thereafter, his eyes flew to the corner of his computer screen.
No wireless signal.
(no subject)
Date: 2011-05-21 02:54 am (UTC)Mark doesn't know. All he knows is that there's that light wrinkle of his nose as he looks up, swallowing another bite of his burger and downing some of his ice water before his slouch straightens just slightly, his body still swaying left and right.
"Can we stop?" he asks, abruptly, perhaps more plainly than he might have if sober. "Talking about facebook. Why are we talking about facebook? I don't want to talk about it. Tell me what you've been up to. People you've met. Things you do. Tell me that you still follow the weather."
(no subject)
Date: 2011-05-21 03:02 am (UTC)"I thought you'd want to talk about it," he says, voice even, a little quieter. He doesn't quite meet Mark's gaze when he speaks, but he looks up a moment after, not about to press the subject. He has no reason to. "But, uh, sure, we can stop. The weather, there wouldn't really be any point, it's a lot of the same or it's — it's completely fucking batshit. I'm talking, like, a month of snow, or a hurricane at the wrong time of year without any indicators, or —" Trailing off, he shakes his head. "The point is, I wish I could, but I don't." It's the sort of thing that he could go on and on about, just like the lack of economy (and really, it's just his luck, getting stuck in a place with no economy and unpredictable weather), but despite the comment, he can't imagine that Mark is actually all that interested. There's plenty else he can talk about, however awkward it may be to segue into it. "As for people, um." He lifts a hand to the back of his neck, temporarily ignoring his food. This was bound to come up at some point, really, and it's probably better that he tell Mark than risk the two of them running into each other without warning. (He'll have to tell her, too, something he's thought about a few times over the course of the evening, but there's nothing he can do about that now.) "There's a girl. Her name is Olive. I, I really like her."
(no subject)
Date: 2011-05-21 03:07 am (UTC)Poor judgment.
But there's no need to harp upon Mark's absolute distaste for talk of facebook right now, not when there's a pretty decent burger that needs eating, and a dizziness that much resembles vertigo that Mark is keen on stamping out. And, apparently a girl in the works too, a fact that focuses his gaze. Some people raise their eyebrows, but Mark's true show of attention is a quality in his eyes, their color nearly darkened by the shadow of his brows as he tries to discern just what 'like' means here.
"Okay," he nods. "There's a girl named Olive. And you really like her. What of it? Co-founder of a billion-dollar corporation, that should get you pretty far right there." In the back of his mind, he can even hear Erica's disapproval. For now, he ignores that.
(no subject)
Date: 2011-05-21 03:10 am (UTC)He wishes they'd kept talking about Facebook.
(The funny thing, the really fucking ironic thing, is that if it were only him being insulted, or him and some girl he might have thought hot, it wouldn't have mattered. Hell, it would practically be keeping to a pattern. How do you do that thing where you manage to get all girls to hate us and why do I let you? he asked Mark once (possibly more than once); this would be nothing more than a reversal of that. Where Mark prevented him from getting laid before, he'd be enabling it now, with his company and the fame that brought with it. In the days of groupies, Eduardo had no problem with that, was perfectly willing to take whatever perks came with being Facebook's co-founder. That was before California, though, and three-hundredths of a percent, and whatever fractured remains their friendship has broken down to. He could take it, is perfectly used to being put down by Mark, intentionally or not, but he still wouldn't capitalize on the inherent offer.)
"It's not like that," he says tightly, colder than he's used to being with Mark, one hand curled around the edge of the table just for something to hold on to. In a way, it feels strangely like talking about Mark: like he would have if the Winklevosses ever let him give them a piece of his mind, or like he did with several people following FaceMash, so quick to defend whatever the cost. He wonders, briefly, if Mark will recognize that, wonders what he'll think if he does, then pushes the thought aside. "She's not like that. It's not — this isn't Christy and Alice dragging us into a bathroom to blow us. When I say I like her, I mean I —" He falters, briefly, tip of his tongue pressed to the bottom of his teeth. "I love her." The words hang too heavy in the air between them, foreign even now in the way they feel to speak, and finally, he averts his gaze, glancing at the food he has no intention of eating. "And it'd be hard to get far on being the co-founder of a company you were written out of."
(no subject)
Date: 2011-05-21 03:16 am (UTC)It isn't fair, that Eduardo should accuse Mark of planting the story about the chicken. It isn't fair, that Erica should think an offer of networking some kind of personal slight against herself. He's not being purposely malicious; if anything, he just wants to bolster Eduardo's confidence in the matter, thinking that Christy is, to this version of Wardo, a recent memory. Mark just wants to reassure Eduardo that not all girls are like Christy, and that Eduardo doesn't need to stoop to the level of the desperate and insane, not with all that he has under his belt, all the accomplishments that at least can play that initial role of pulling others to him. But suddenly he's being blamed for that too, even if it's just a fact that girls do flock around them for that reason. Suddenly, the fact that he tried to impress Erica with that very same website, it curdles in his stomach, sours everything.
If Eduardo doesn't plan on ever forgiving him, and if he's already made his judgments here on the island, then there's no point, and Mark's chasing a star even more distant than a billion dollars. It's nearly impossible to swallow the bite of burger he has in his mouth, but he manages, before reaching for the ketchup and dropping a large dollop of it onto his plate. Because he'll be hungry later. He's learned to hoard food from living at Kirkland; the dining hall's pretty small, often crowded. There's no sense in wasting a perfectly good burger.
"Maybe you should tell her that," he says tersely. He drags himself up from his seat, as though they're just at Kirkland and all he needs to do is carry that plate back to his room, turning around to face the exit with a slight misstep, alcohol leaving him off-balance.
(no subject)
Date: 2011-05-21 03:21 am (UTC)Holding on to Mark, being willing to do whatever it takes (even freezing a bank account in an attempt to make himself important), that's an older one, no less familiar for the time they've spent apart. Looking out for him is, too. On a purely practical level, it makes no sense for Mark to go wandering off into the night, drunk and in a place he doesn't know. Maybe they aren't what they were, but Eduardo can't bear the thought of something happening to him, knows that it would be his fault if it did. He just has to hope that it isn't too late, that this wasn't somehow the final straw. (Surely they've gotten through worse. There's no way, no fucking way, that talk about Olive could be what drives them apart for good. At least, Eduardo certainly hopes that's the case.)
"I'm sorry," he continues, just as abrupt, gaze pleading. It isn't what he means at all. I love you, too, you asshole, would be more accurate, but on the heels of such a statement about Olive, saying so would almost definitely be misconstrued, or at least cause Mark to scoff in disdain and tell him not to be so sentimental. He can't help it, though. Besides the fact that he's never wanted to stick his tongue down Mark's throat, the feelings run so the same, a level of utter, intense devotion that he's only ever directed at those two people, that he can't imagine giving one up for the other. Especially not now, with Mark. They've made it this far already; that has to count for something, to mean that they're not past hope.
It's then he realizes that he doesn't want them to be, that he has every intention of sticking this out until the end. If that makes him the world's biggest fool, so fucking be it. He has a choice, stay or go, and he chooses Mark each and every time. He just also, now, chooses Olive, too.
Mark will probably say he's desperate, or think it, but maybe he is; he doesn't care. He's been desperate before. This time, he won't let that desperation go misunderstood. "I shouldn't — I shouldn't have snapped," he stammers, caring even less that they're standing in the middle of a restaurant. "It just sounded like — shit, just — don't go, okay? I don't want you to go."
(Maybe it's what he should have said from the start, all that time ago back when Facebook was new, don't go, stay here with me, instead of making it about someone else.)
(no subject)
Date: 2011-05-21 03:26 am (UTC)We did it.
He still feels bad about that.
Right now, though, he's still gripped by a sense of isolation. If there's one thing that Mark has never been able to do, it's to simply look at any person, any relationship, merely at the surface level. In this moment, he finds himself at a crossroads that he's never known before, two different paths that he has walked, does walk, will continue to walk with Eduardo. It's already striking him as impossible, on that island, to look at Eduardo without remembering the one who left the deposition room, the one Mark strongly feels won't end up looking back. All of that was too much. Mark doesn't expect that the mere passage of a few days will get him back to a point where he'll want to go back to those lawyers, hash out the terms of agreement with Eduardo. Chances are, he's going to end up sending a proxy, maybe even ask Marylin if she's willing to take the reins. And that means all of this, it feels like some ridiculous fabrication of his mind, driving him wild to the point where he doesn't know what he can trust, not the grain of wood under his feet, not the quickly warming ceramic plate in his hand.
And now, there's a girl. Already, Mark knows that he doesn't want to meet her, though he probably will. He looks down at his feet, unable to tell if it's jealous, if it's pettiness, or if he's just trying to worm himself away from a situation that he can't understand. Or, hell, if he's just trying to retain his balance, that might be a thing too. In theory, Eduardo having someone else to love, that's a good thing, there are probably a whole lot more people on the island who'd take better to the love than Mark does himself. He'd never had a problem with Christy, in theory— though bitch be crazy, he could have told Eduardo that, wanted to tell Eduardo that since he made the girl who blew him in the men's bathroom over facebook his girlfriend. But that Christy received Eduardo's affections anyway, that was okay, because no two people live entirely joined lives and people need breaks from each other, only—
—only Mark has nothing here. He blinks in Eduardo's direction, slowly. A few times. "It just sounded like me," he completes the sentence for Eduardo with a shrug, while a whole lot more filter into his head.
Maybe you should be used to that.
Maybe you've been on this island too long.
Maybe you should have snapped at me earlier.
This is a bad idea.
Is this why you had such a fucking problem with Sean, because that's just stupid, Sean's some weird exercise in self-validation and one clearly gone wrong.
Did you know he started Napster after a break-up, too?
He shakes all of the white noise out of his head, before plopping back down in his seat. What wasn't true before, Eduardo's words about having been Mark's only friend, suddenly ring truer than ever.
"I've had too much to drink," he declares.
(no subject)
Date: 2011-05-21 03:30 am (UTC)The thing is, the thing he has to keep reminding himself, he doesn't know Mark. Not in the you douchebag, you lied to me for months and called yourself my friend way, but actually legitimately does not know him. A lot has been the same in the way they've spoken since he first found Mark on that couch in the rec room, but that doesn't negate the fact that, for him, it's been four fucking years, ones that Eduardo hasn't gotten to experience, and probably never will, not in the same way. Four years is enough for someone to change (he thinks, he hopes; it's a feeling he'd all but forgotten, the desperate need to mean something to Mark, to be important, to even come close to comparing to his precious website). A lot is the same, he's the same, but that doesn't mean everything has to be. The line is just such a fucking difficult one to walk, wanting to cater to Mark's needs and protect himself all at once, because he isn't angry so much as he is hurt and that's just how it manifests itself. When it comes down to it, though, he knows who to put first. He can take care of himself later, sort through all of this when he has a moment alone. Mark may not deserve the benefit of the doubt after what he did, but those four missing years make Eduardo inclined to give it. If he's entirely truthful, he probably would have anyway. How Mark always manages to do this to him, he doesn't know, and he wishes he could actually fucking resent it more than he does, but he can't.
"That isn't what I meant," he says, careful, apologetic. Of all things, this is one that he shouldn't, he shouldn't have to explain himself for, but if that's what it takes to keep everything alright, then he'll do it. Besides, Olive's story isn't his to tell, and removing that factor from the equation, then Mark's quote-unquote offense wouldn't even be worth mentioning. Eduardo is used to it, he can take it; it's Olive who shouldn't have to. Taking a deep breath, he shuts his eyes, just for a second. "Look, I, I want you here, okay? I don't know what that says about me, but I do. And I think we've both had too much to drink, and — this was never going to be easy, you know?" He's rambling by now, barely aware of what he's trying to say except to know that he needs to say it, to make Mark see this time, since he clearly didn't before, just what lengths he'll go to. This isn't a big deal, isn't, all things considered, much of a sacrifice at all. Wide-eyed again and earnest, he draws in a breath. "I just took it the wrong way, and I shouldn't have, and that's — I'm sorry. It wasn't fair. Of me, to say that."
(no subject)
Date: 2011-05-21 03:34 am (UTC)And of course, Mark does the opposite. When he really cares about something, when he wants it to succeed, that's the time to cut the intricacies of friendship out entirely. He doesn't need Dustin to go around helping him greet friends who come to visit. He needs Dustin to be wired in, to be contributing the sort of code that his mind is best geared for, to be that programmer that no other can be. (And that's one of the beautiful things about code, too, that so many other fields are just incapable of mimicking. What people don't realize is that in spite of the aim code has of making processes as short and to the point as possible, there are always multiple ways of handling it, making it a language, one that every programmer understands differently. He didn't include Dustin in the project because Dustin was any better at programming than Mark himself was— the opposite was the case— but instead because no matter what, Dustin would produce unique work.) He doesn't need Sean to be patting his ass at every turn, even if the Napster founder seems keen on providing that anyway— instead, he needs someone that provides morale in the way that only Sean had been capable of drawing out in Mark. Confidence boosts are good for productivity.
He's starting to realize though— or maybe he's been realizing this for years, only never putting it into practice until he lost Eduardo, his voice markedly softer and having completely lost its edge— that maybe there's a value in the way that Eduardo does it all. And that, lord forbid, maybe compromise is okay too. It won't come naturally to Mark, catering business to a friendship, and maybe it's a moot point on an island where facebook doesn't even exist (even if, honestly, Mark's already starting to wonder what he can do for this island, because there must be something that they're lacking in that programming can do something to help, and he's taken a couple of hardware courses in his day too), but all that he can do is try. Baby steps. Nothing's going to change overnight, but above everything else, these days Mark is tired. And that needs to change.
(no subject)
Date: 2011-05-21 03:35 am (UTC)(There's something else that bothers him about Eduardo's words too, though, that hit him more directly and sharply even than Erica calling him an asshole. I want you here, okay? I don't know what that says about me. But he should be used to that anymore, right? He did, after all, create FaceMash. He did, after all, cut his best friend out of potentially billions of dollars, and cost what was possibly a huge leap forward in the relationship between Eduardo and his father. It's his own fucking grave, and he's jumped into it with full force, but that doesn't mean that it doesn't still sting on the way down, or that some part of him doesn't still want someone to reach down and lend a hand.)
"You don't need to apologize," he says tersely, before he suddenly realizes that he's still holding onto his glass and plate, the latter of which is starting to tilt from inattention. Correcting himself, he swivels until he's directly facing the table again, setting both down with gentle clicks. He tries to think of something, anything else to say, but he's coming up blank, but maybe there's a certain light in his eyes that shows that struggle regardless. Shadows that cast a darker look to them. When words finally come to him, of course they're the wrong ones, but that doesn't stop him from saying them anyway. "You trip over your words when you're drunk."
(no subject)
Date: 2011-05-21 03:37 am (UTC)"It's not so much from being drunk," he explains, sheepish, reaching for his glass almost as if to prove it. He isn't that drunk, not really, only drunk enough to be inappropriately quoting Meatloaf songs in his head and thinking about how much he loves Mark, wording that he'd probably never use aloud for how it would surely come across. Sober enough to still know that this could be very, very stupid, but drunk enough that it seems like the better alternative anyway. (So that one might not actually have anything to do with alcohol.) Whether he should continue or not, he doesn't actually know, but after a sip of beer, he decides to go for it anyway. Nothing good is going to come from any of this if he can't be honest this early on, and it's got to be worth the risk of being called sentimental to let Mark know how much this means to him. (Stupid, stupid, so fucking stupid, but it's all he's wanted this whole time, even before he got written out of the company, to have his best friend back. Now, maybe, he hopes, he does.) "I just. You know, you, you're here, and I..." Exhaling, he shrugs. "I want to get this right. And that has me doing a lot of tripping over my words, yes." For a moment, he pauses, then adds, slightly self-deprecating, "Being drunk probably doesn't help, though."
(no subject)
Date: 2011-05-21 03:43 am (UTC)But he's sure that Eduardo realizes that Mark didn't really mean what he said, not that time, just as much as he's sure that Eduardo's just explaining because that's what he does. That habit he has of sounding out all of his thoughts, fully and coherently, as though it helps him paint some kind of picture, give him the perspective that Mark so often lacks. Mark works with two dimensions. Blinking letters on a computer monitor. Eduardo doesn't do that, he's never done that, he's always needed to meet with people, to shake their hands, to have that strong indication that he is working face-to-face with living folks. Mark thinks that phone calls are convenient for how (for him, at least; he can't speak for the rest of the world) they allow a faster rapport in communication than text does. Eduardo sees them, instead, as the only thing that can even try to approach the intimacy of being around someone in person. His inflection is always clear over the phone. Mark's, hardly.
(He's made games out of that, too.)
So he lets Eduardo go on a bit, not really sure what to do with his hands, simply rubbing them together on his lap nervously. Feels like confession, the sort of guilt twisting into one's gut that is never forgotten, even if it's been years since Mark's stepped into a booth. Because somehow, it's just... approaching impossible for him to say the same, even though Mark has the more than sneaking suspicion that for the first time in their lives, Mark and Eduardo's feelings are running along the same line.
"Yeah," he manages first with a shrug of both shoulders. His mouth is in the same firm line that it usually is, the one that most people associate with nonchalance. What gives him away, though, is the look in his eyes. Not hyperfocused on code, on the pixels of a monitor, not fixed on some vague point in the distance where he can mentally work through the logic of his programming, they're just watching him. It's the closest that he can come to direct, unflinching honesty. Hopefully Eduardo gets it, though. He's not just acknowledging Eduardo's feelings (though there's that, too, and with that a deep surprise that has the knots from his shoulders slowly easing away). He's mirroring them.
Tired of the way his fingers keep on moving against air, Mark finally shoves both of his hands into his pockets, taps his foot against the ground.
"So," he continues, as though working out the words one at a time, nodding vaguely to himself. "Please tell me you're not living in a mud hut."
(no subject)
Date: 2011-05-21 03:48 am (UTC)Too bad he hardly knows what to say, what to do, now that there's a chance he honestly has what he's wanted for so, so long. It isn't what he's used to, with Mark or, really, anyone else. More often than not in his life, he's had to fight a losing battle; frustrating as that can be, he's ready for it, and as a result, latches on willingly, gratefully, to whatever he can get. Even if getting them here took some trying, it's so simple, so real, that he meets Mark's gaze and for a moment there's a lump lodged firmly in his throat, one that takes another swig of beer to wash down.
"No," he answers with a short laugh after he's set his glass down again, rolling his eyes as he shakes his head. "I did a little better than that. It's made out of wood. As far as middle-of-nowhere island living goes, it's not bad, actually."
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Date: 2011-05-21 03:52 am (UTC)Eduardo tries hard to that end, though, in a way that few other friends of Mark's ever have. He pulls inclusion to his regular life too, tries to see everyone for the good in them (except for those who have severely wronged Mark himself, or those who stand the chance of it in the future). Silence probably unnerves him. And Mark stares ahead just long enough that he decides, maybe he can compromise here, give them something concrete to do that keeps them from flailing at each other in this weird sort of dance.
"Well, I think I've eaten all of my burger that I can right now; stomach's not what it used to be, living off rabbit food these days," he says quickly, casting a half-interested look at his burger. He takes another bite, as though trying to test just how hungry it is, then nods— he's definitely lost the bulk of his appetite. "Got an extra room I can crash in? Or, if... I mean, I'm pretty sure I can find another place. I like bamboo. Could find a place made of bamboo. Assuming it grows here."
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Date: 2011-05-21 03:54 am (UTC)When he huffs out a laugh and shakes his head, it's with no small degree of warmth, expression almost fond, if slightly incredulous. "Don't be ridiculous," he says. "Of course you can crash at my place." On a practical level, it's all that makes sense, for one; they've both of them been drinking, and it's a little late in the evening to be going house-hunting. What's more, though, and what is probably all the more important, is that it's something he can and therefore wants to be able to give, proof of the fact that Mark needs him here and that he isn't going anywhere. Even if he and Mark hadn't managed something resembling peace, he suspects that he would have done the same thing, the opportunity to have Mark rely on him for anything too overwhelmingly good to ignore. That there isn't an extra room is irrelevant. He can either sleep at his desk, as he did the night Olive arrived, or just go to her hut and make sure to be awake before Mark is. (Never before has having a girlfriend who lives so close been so convenient.) "I wasn't actually planning on giving you a choice in the matter."
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Date: 2011-05-21 03:58 am (UTC)He's been on more than a few dates with a girl too, Priscilla, and it's getting to the point where she probably considers it a pretty serious thing on her end, but the way Mark figures, if he's still chasing Erica Albright down on facebook after all those years, he can't put too much stock into that. She's nice enough, though. Mark's even learned a few words of Mandarin. Might as well have been a figment of his imagination, though, since she isn't actually on the island.
It takes some effort to shake himself out of his reverie, but Mark looks up again, slight quirk in his lips. "Well I mean, I wasn't sure if you had space," he says, brow slightly furrowed. "My guess is that on an island like this, with people arriving out of nowhere, that there's probably some room or house set aside with extra beds and sheets for the newcomers— meaning you don't need to worry about putting up space for the lost and hapless— and the heightened rate of cycling probably means there are a lot of huts up for grabs at any given time. I figured you had a single. Single-person living space."
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Date: 2011-05-21 04:02 am (UTC)"Well, they do," he allows, "have a room like that, but that's not — it doesn't matter. Seriously, Mark, don't worry about it." Probably, he knows, he should state outright that it's a hut for one, but they'll be back there soon enough, and then there won't be any sense in putting up a fight. That he's likely overreacting, putting more stock in this than is strictly necessary, is something he'll admit to himself, but not act on. To let Mark go, to treat him like he would any other island resident, is bound to foster distance between them, and he doesn't want to lose whatever peace they've managed tonight if he can help it. Like this, there'll be no way to ignore it (or him). Maybe that makes him selfish, but so fucking be it; if he can have this, he wants to, always willing to take whatever he's able to get. "Come on, let's go."
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Date: 2011-05-22 09:03 am (UTC)When Eduardo tells Mark not to worry, he does at once, his brow knitting severely— only the words stumble for once and don't quite spill over his lips. Shouldn't he worry? Never, never have the two of them actually lived together for any amount of time, even if sometimes Eduardo came over with such frequency that it felt like he was part of the Kirkland blocking group altogether. And even though this is Wardo, Mark doesn't feel like he has the right to ask for this favor anymore. There's no more ease, no right to simply siphoning a couple hundred dollars out of his friend's account for the sake of keeping his servers running.
"You sure I shouldn't worry about it?" he asks at last, once his thoughts finally break through, slipping forward like a dam broken. Still, he picks himself up and follows closely behind Eduardo. "Although I guess I'll find my own place soon, but really, if they have a room like that, they have a room like that. I mean, I could— it's not ideal to be staying in a room with so many strangers, but one night, I can manage one night."
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Date: 2011-05-23 01:07 am (UTC)Of course, the position that leaves him in, as he starts out of the Winchester, is one as uncertain as all the rest of this night has been. He doesn't know how to read Mark like he used to, the revealed deception and, now, years of distance making that obvious enough; as such, it's hard to tell what Mark really wants. Surely, he means what he says, but that doesn't have to mean anything when put into practice. For all Eduardo knows, if he agrees and takes Mark back to the Compound, then he'll be the one to drive them apart, implying that this is a one-time thing, not a sign of any friendship rekindled. On the other hand, though, to insist and drag a semi-drunken Mark back to his place — he learned the hard way that to try to insinuate himself in Mark's life, to hold on even when it seems impossible, is something that very well might not work, or could even wind up having the opposite of the intended effect. After so much time, he'd be even stupider than just being here makes him not to wonder if it's too late for anything.
Either way, he doesn't know what the answer is supposed to be. Maybe Mark wants to see him insist, like proof of his clearly unfaltering loyalty. Maybe Mark asks if he's sure he shouldn't worry about it because Mark thinks he should, and that's his way of saying so. Maybe Mark is using this as an excuse to reclaim some space between them again, like this is an experiment gone wrong.
Or maybe, Eduardo thinks, maybe he's just losing his fucking mind and it doesn't mean anything at all.
When it comes down to it, it's worth the gamble, or at least a slight one. He won't send Mark away, not when this is a chance to make himself needed, something that tonight has made him crave as sharply and suddenly as if a switch were flipped in his head, turning back on what he'd meant to keep off. He smiles, why, and shakes his head. "Exactly. It's one night," he says, voice catching like around a laugh that he doesn't quite let out. He doesn't add that he's done as much before, that he brought Olive and Erica over the nights they arrived, too. It may be dishonest, but he wants this to mean something, not for Mark to think it's what he'd do for just anyone, or born of some sense of obligation. "Not a big deal at all." Just let me do this for you, he wants to say, but he doesn't. "I told you, I was going to offer anyway." More like he was just going to take Mark there and just tell him to sleep, but that's all logistics.
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Date: 2011-05-23 03:34 am (UTC)The fact is, in spite of all of the years that have passed, the impulse on Mark's end is to listen to Eduardo and let the fight die out. But as soon as he lets the fight go, a heavy weariness takes over, leaving him drowsy, tired. His eyes start to close even as he tries to fight it with hard blinks, hand gripping tightly at the plate in his hands.
"Right," he mumbles, even as he starts to sway, Eduardo still being one of the few people Mark can fall asleep in front of. "Because you'd feel bad if you didn't. Well, I'm not taking the bed."
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Date: 2011-05-23 10:42 am (UTC)So it's easy for Eduardo to let that take priority, to want to focus on that instead of his reasons for wanting to have Mark crash at his place. He isn't sure how he'd begin to explain it, anyway; this is as good a reason as any not to. "You are absolutely taking the bed. You — no offense, but you look like you need it." Eduardo can't blame him, really. He's hovering on the verge of exhaustion himself, attention paid to Mark the only thing that's keeping him from really feeling it, and he had a relatively normal day up until now, if trying not to think about his ex-ex-best friend's birthday and talking about sex with his girlfriend on the beach counts as normal. (He likes to think it does.) Only with that said, he bites his lip, adding more quietly, "And it's not just because I'd feel bad."
(no subject)
Date: 2011-05-29 03:28 pm (UTC)There's a furrow in his brow as the two of them continue walking, the cogs turning in his head. Maybe intoxication makes it easier to ignore what's going on between the two of them (he's been trying to keep it out of his mind for years, anyway) but that doesn't mean that Mark will stop prying and poking and piecing the rest of it together.
"Anyone I've got to watch out for on the island?" he asks.
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Date: 2011-05-29 06:19 pm (UTC)"Yeah, I was... gonna get to that," he says, frowning slightly, though it's an expression that doesn't look especially upset. He's not, just thoughtful and a little uncertain. "Erica's here, showed up a couple weeks ago. She's from early, too, earlier than me, back when w— when thefacebook was only at one school. That night in the restaurant." Casual though he keeps the stammer, he hates it, too, that he's so conscious of everything now that he can't use we in lieu of the website itself when it came so easily before. Things have changed, though, and even if it would have been accurate in that it was theirs then, just him and Mark, it hurts too much to say. Whatever Mark said about restoring his name to the masthead, he can't pretend like he really matters to Facebook or has the right to act like he does.
He needs to say something else, to stop himself from thinking about it, so he adds, almost as an afterthought, "There's also, um, a guy who looks really scarily like you. It's not all that unusual around here, people who look like other people, but you just, you know, might want to look out for that."
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Date: 2011-06-02 03:55 pm (UTC)It's just another stupid grain of rice on the freaking scale, and right now, drowsy as he is, there are still moments when Mark feels like all of it is just going to go tipping over.
"That night in the restaurant," Mark repeats with a soft nod. "Right. Great."
A thought suddenly crosses his mind, the fact that he's really grateful this girlfriend Eduardo's mentioned isn't Erica. Not that he thinks that his best friend, even estranged, would ever do such a thing. But still, there's an unquestionable relief that lodges itself in his chest, and Mark hates himself a little for it. These things shouldn't matter.
Not sure he wants to admit to Wardo how he spent the last several seconds before the island refreshing Erica's facebook page, he looks over instead. "Tell me about this guy who looks like me."
(no subject)
Date: 2011-06-02 07:20 pm (UTC)He gives it up, though, albeit with some hesitation. At the end of the day, that's what's familiar, and no amount of time passed could make it any less instinctive to follow Mark's lead, to offer whatever it is that he might need. Talking about the lookalike seems simpler, anyway, something devoid of any baggage; the two of them have enough of that on their own without Erica inadvertently circling everything back around to them. (He got the same treatment, in the end, as she did. He should have seen it coming, should have known, except how could he have?)
"Well, his name's Columbus," he says, not bothering to hide the trace of amusement evident in the curve of his mouth, "as in Ohio, and he's apparently from some sort of end of the world, though I never really asked about it. And I think the fact that he looks like you is probably all the two of you have in common, he seems to act very... nervous."
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